Email Funny!!

This had me in tears!!!


> > SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER
> >
> > I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue
> > on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope
> > that needs sealing.
> >
> > Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same
> > reason.
> >
> > I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
> > Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
> >
> > I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive
> > the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
> > participating in their special e-mail program.
> >
> > I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
> > out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
> >
> > I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
> > freaks with no eyes or feathers.
> > I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
> > water buffalo on a hot day
> >
> > Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
> > forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
> > minutes.
> >
> > Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
> > remove toilet stains.
> >
> > I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the
> > car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
> >
> > I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these
> > products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
> >
> > I no longer use Saran wrap in the micro wave because it causes cancer.
> >
> > And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the
> > microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me
> > for life.
> >
> > I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
> > pricked with a needle infect ed with AIDS.
> >
> > I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
> > perfume sample and rob me.
> >
> > I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually
> > Al Qaeda in disguise.
> >
> > I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
> > American troops or the Salvation Army.
> >
> > I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
> > number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,
> > Singapore and Uzbekistan.
> >
> > I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have
> > their recipe.
> >
> > Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown
> > African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when
> > it bites my butt.
> >
> > And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 in the
> > parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester
> > waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
> >
> > I ca n no l onger drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas
> > companies!
> >
> > If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
> > minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM
> > this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,
> > causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
> > actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
> > ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
> >
> > Have a wonderful day....
> >
> > Oh, by the way.....
> >
> > A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has
> > discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their
> > e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
> >
> > Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

Ooooh poor person! x